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Boyfriend : I plan to be immortal, so forever with you is possible.
Me : I think you'll die before me. Because you're older and you're a man. Women live longer, don't they?
Boyfriend : Yeah but what would you do if I died before you?
Me : I'd kill myself the next day, dying doesn't really bother me.
Boyfriend : But then I'd have to find you. If I died because of age and you kill yourself, we'd be in different domains. heaven and hell?
Me : I think there's nothingness after death, there are no gods.
Boyfriend : Let's be the first gods and spend eternity together then.

If a zombie apocalypse happened, I’d shoot all the people I hate first, then I’ll shoot the zombies.

I’ve been thinking. What if me and my boyfriend wait to get some of our tattoos colored. And by the time we decide to get married, our wedding photos would be us coloring each other’s tattoos, symbolizing a vibrant and colorful life after the ceremony. I want that.

Today felt like a dream, literally. Portions of time felt erratically short but endless. Colors of purple and neon green would be blown out of cigarette smoke; my boyfriend’s face slowly being covered in psychedelic patterns whenever he looks at me. 3 hours of non stop fucking felt like two minutes, nothing in my vision was blurred out, I could see every little detail in everything. Mirrors would look like water, tattoos would lift up an inch from his skin. A room covered in plain, white paint would be a chance to create a new room that’s covered in thick glass, underwater. Everything felt slow, but thinking wasn’t a problem, thinking became clearer, thoughts became more creative. Small and big things looked like they were alive, breathing. Grass would make you apologize whenever you’d step on them and driving down roads felt like zooming through tunnels. It felt like there’s something to explore in everything, even posters - they looked like portals to other worlds. Blankets suddenly become covered in little sprouts, that would hide whenever I breathed, and would hug me when I stayed still. It was extraordinary but awesome.

I currently am stuck in a place and in a situation where I’m forced to wait for something to happen. I’m really worried and I don’t understand what would make her do this to herself. I want to cry but I can’t, crying is extremely relieving…or maybe take some high dose of dee dee ecstasy pills to take this away. I feel numb and overflowing with emotions at the same time. Is this how it’s supposed to feel?

"Perfect for me is just tea, white bedsheets, summer with windows open, naked with books next to you playing video games."

The temptation to jump into another relationship right away is revolting me. I don’t want to but it’s pathetic that I feel that I need someone to be there for me. My friends who are guys are…well they have gotten sweeter than they usually are and it’s bothering me. I don’t wanna lose ‘em but I feel that whenever I tell them I can’t be in a relationship, I end up doing so slowly. It’s just me, I’m not ready. As long as I’m living with my parents, no relationship can ever go well. Proof are my two failed relationships, both were irreplaceable but “fuck you,” said life. 

I really, really hope I get the job. I extremely want to get out of this house and live on my own. Hell I know it will be fucking hard but it beats wasting every irreplaceable second of my life bound to rules. 

Him: Don't touch my face it's sunburnt.
Me: Holy shi-- are you alright? -dips hands in iced water-
Him: It's not funny.
Me: -touches his face-
Him: Oh. Oh my god. This feels so good, keep your hands there. Erghgjhf.
Me: -laughs-