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I want to get drunk and fall completely helpless in his arms, he’ll just giggle and kiss my forehead and hold me throughout the night. I would wake up, between intervals of feeling hungover and sick to seeing him wrapped in white sheets, unconscious but hoping on opening his eyes at 4 in the morning and I’m still there. Walking on cold wooden floors, I walk through the hallways to his bathroom. Gulping water down my throat, I’d look at myself in the mirror and see my ill drunken face, I’d burst into a tired chuckle. Upon turning off the lights, I prepare to run silently back under the sheets to my fair, sleeping safety.

I didn’t know my boyfriend noticed that I was still terribly torn. I can’t believe I even thought about leaving him either. I really hate it when I finally get so angry that I do and say the stupidest things. It’s just not fair to him. I mean, we both have uneven edges, I do hope we fill in each other’s emptiness. That we’d eventually make each other genuinely happy. That’s all I want, all I need.

I didn’t know my boyfriend noticed that I was still terribly torn. I can’t believe I even thought about leaving him either. I really hate it when I finally get so angry that I do and say the stupidest things. It’s just not fair to him. I mean, we both have uneven edges, I do hope we fill in each other’s emptiness. That we’d eventually make each other genuinely happy. That’s all I want, all I need.

I’ve just moved here from the Philippines last year and the moment I get my shit together, my family decides to move to California. I never should have had a relationship if that was going to happen. My last relationship that lasted for three years ended because of a fucking twelve hour time difference. I need a decent paying job, I want to be able to live by myself but sometimes, the person that makes me stay, makes me feel like my existence isn’t so important. I don’t really know, will it really be worth it? 

Words cannot explain how furious I am right now. I wanna call him right this moment and listen to his voice telling me he misses me. Lol that dream, it’s not even real. I used to tell myself that I’d be okay, that I would just get even when he really tries to mess around then I dream about this shit. It’s not cool, feeling crazy like this, it makes me want to shoot myself in the face.

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My heart is crushed by a former love. It’s been so long since I last laid my eyes on him but why do I still remember everything so vividly? It’s so easy to be with someone, tell them you like them and do everything with them. Opening your soul, undressing your mind and breaking down the walls you built around yourself— it’s something you’re gonna remember doing for someone that’s unbearably important. I may not recollect all the things we did together but I will eternally remember how I felt, maybe not exactly but it will always be a small piece of me that will never ever go away.

My heart is crushed by a former love. It’s been so long since I last laid my eyes on him but why do I still remember everything so vividly? It’s so easy to be with someone, tell them you like them and do everything with them. Opening your soul, undressing your mind and breaking down the walls you built around yourself— it’s something you’re gonna remember doing for someone that’s unbearably important. I may not recollect all the things we did together but I will eternally remember how I felt, maybe not exactly but it will always be a small piece of me that will never ever go away.

It’s so easy to love a person that loves every bit of you, every imperfection included.

Not caring about anything feels absolutely delightful. I still write down everything I have to accomplish in a day, makes me feel like I really have my shit together. But when I see that what I do doesn’t push through, work out or socially take me a number higher that day, I acknowledge it but I never let it control me. Give it your best, don’t give up.

You know how you never try to fix things because you think it’s always gonna be okay in the morning? One day it won’t and we’re gonna be so sick of each other and it’ll hurt.